Junk Drawer

A disorganized collection of misc text, links and photos.


Useful Freeware:


Vista & XP

  • Treepad – Text organizer – I’m using this one now.
  • RocketDock – Apple like app launcher
  • Unlocker – Solves the annoying “can’t delete file….” problem.
  • CCLeaner – Top rated Disk Cleaner
  • Microsoft Private Folder – easy to use security.
  • VLC – The best all purpose audio/video player
  • Utorrent – The best torrent downloader
  • CDEX – The best CD Ripper/mp3 maker.
  • Audacity – The best opensource podcast app
  • OnebyOne – The best mini audio player. No bloatware like MS (XP).
  • Rasterbator – Make Posters from pictures.
  • Mazaika – Make Poster compositions from pictures.
  • XP Royal Theme – Cool glass tweak to make XP look better
  • PDF Creator – For MS Apps (Office2007 includes a new one)
  • WhoLockMe Detects which app locked a file (like unlocker)

XP Organizers

Re: Organizers – I’ve tried them all, MS OneNote, Essential PIM, Evernote, Action Outline (which I used the longest), Textpad. Flashnote. (UPdate) Now I am using Treepad. Its tree structure.


Intitle


Here in Taiwan, the radio is abysmal and ADSL is not stable enough to enjoy streaming radio. slacker.com, 91x.com and radioparadise.com are a few of the places that I tried listening to. Anyway, by chance I read a post on a Google trick to find mp3s online. If you type in: intitle:”index of” (mp3) artist (artist = name of artist/band you want) you will come up with all kinds of good stuff. You have to dig a around and and skip over the commercial mp3 sites, but its almost unlimited what you can find and download. Another new find for me is the latest version of utorrent. I never bothered with bit torrents in the past, but the new version of UT makes it very easy.


Marketing Links


Eventually, I will organize this section into a collection of good marketing and design links including my picks for search engine optimization (SEO).

Firefox plugins that I use (v3):

I have a bunch more that I downloaded and installed, but I haven’t had time to test.


Amazing


This was on digg a few weeks ago. Words to use instead of Amazing.Unanticipated
Phenomenal
Remarkable
Unbelievable
Breathtaking
Tremendous
Unexpected
Spectacular
Unthinkable
Unforeseen
Significant
Stunning
Startling
Splendid
Wonderful
Overwhelming
Stupefying
Staggering
Unpredicted


Misc links


dtblues.jpg

Desktop Blues

dat.jpg
Death and Taxes – large image Link2Link3

Also a large image of the –Periodic Chart
2001.jpg

Kubrick2001.com – An explanation of the movie 2001 A Space Odyssey.


CMS Notes  (notes to self)


There are four free CMS (content management systems) that I’m interested in: WordPress, Joomla, Drupal and Plone. WordPress is a piece of cake, but it has some structural weaknesses. Joomla is one of the best rated, its fairly easy to edit the design templates and/or make new templates, It has a popular free ecom module called VirtueMart, but it has some code problems (see the comparison below). I’m waiting for the new version 1.5 to come out before I really dig into it. 1.5 is is in Beta2 now.The documentation for Joomla is really disorganized, but I’ve finally got a few books on both Joomla and Drupal so this isn’t a problem anymore for me.Plone is also a top CMS. If you watch these two video introductions, you can see that its well thought out and easy to use. The biggest advantage is that it’s written in Python. One of the only setbacks is that the design part is somewhat challenging (but definitely manageable).Drupal seems to have a lot going for it such as better SEO urls and ability to manage multiple sites (perhaps Chinese and English versions). It’s also been supported by IBM, I think largely because it works with its database. The problem with Drupal is that 90% of the sites that use it have the same boring look.Of course, content is the most important part of any website, but I think the design is what really sucks people in. If its organized, easy to navigate and looks sharp, then I think people will response to it better. I’m leaning heavily on using Drupal for my next project. I’d like to design and manage a bigger newspaper like site. I think the BBC uses Drupal. TaipeiTimes and Boston.com both use Plone from what I can tell. These are some Drupal sites that like:

I also like use Zencart for all my ecom business. From all the research that I’ve done, its head over heals better (more secure) than osCommerce. In fact its an early fork from osCommerce, the past leader in free ecom software.

Some other links: (I will add many more in the future)

I saved this CMS comparison from I site I visited last year that is now offline. I think it is probably the best overview that I’ve read on CMSs.

Drupal Versus The Rest
Submitted by icekin on 3 April, 2006 – 20:29.

This is a set of comparisons I’ve made between Drupal and several other common CMS. I’m no expert in all of them, but having used each one for a period of time, I can at least give a good opinion on how they match and differ from the perspective of someone looking to make a website using one of these.

Drupal vs WordPress
A common question and the answer is quite simple. Drupal is a full fledged CMS, WordPress is a CMS designed for Blogging. Can Drupal do all that WordPress can? Certainly. Can WordPress do all that Drupal can? Nope. Then why use WordPress? If your needs are purely to run a blog with maybe a few static pages. Meaning you don’t intend run any forums, polls and so on, then use WordPress. If you think that there might be a sudden time when you need to convert your web site into something more, like a promotional tool, or a community hangout, use Drupal. Also, WordPress offers only basic search, while Drupal offers advanced search as well. This means you can search using boolean expressions like AND, OR, NOT and also restrict your search to a specific category and sub category if needed. WordPress also limits categorization to single level with free tagging, meaning nested categories are not possible. Drupal allows for unlimited nesting of categories, relationships between categories as well as free tagging at all levels. Both have fully featured blogs with comments, permanent links and trackbacks. Drupal requires a separate module to be installed for trackbacks. WordPress became popular after movable type went commercial. WordPress allows easy importing from other existing online blog services Blogger, Livejournal, b2 etc. Drupal offers importing from some services, but not all. More can be expected in the future. People have also managed to automatically import a static HTML site easily into Drupal. Both Drupal and WordPress now have support for AJAX in their latest versions.

Drupal vs PHP-Nuke
Like WordPress, PHP-Nuke is also designed towards a specific purpose. PHP-Nuke is meant for community interaction and allows user contributed articles, polls and forums as a standard feature. It also offers a download section, individual user control panel and more. Drupal can do everything that PHP-Nuke does, but certain features require extra modules to be installed (e.g. Downloads). Despite the claims, PHP-Nuke is not suitable for personal sites and blogs. Those who have managed to use PHP-Nuke for those purposes have extensively hacked the code. Its better to spend that time on developing your site with another CMS that is more suited for the purpose you seek. PHP-Nuke also has a known history of security problems, but several other CMS with better security have been made based on PHP-Nuke (e.g. XOOPS, PostNuke, CPG-Nuke) I have seen several PHP-Nuke sites that have been hit by script kiddies and bear large “This site has been hacked” messages on the front. If you decide you like PHP-Nuke, at least use one of the derivatives like XOOPS or PostNuke rather than PHP-Nuke itself. Some users have also released patches for PHP-Nuke to make it more secure.

Drupal vs Mambo/ Joomla
This is another question several people, including myself have asked at one time or another. In reality both systems are very alike and target the same market. Both attempt to be the all in one CMS, trying to be suitable for every type of site. Joomla only offers up to two levels of classification unlike Drupal. It also does not support cross categorization and free tagging. In fact, no other CMS I’ve seen or tried can match Drupal’s flexibility in categorizing content. For a visitor to be able to browse through your site easily and for a search engine to be able to index your content well good categorization is key. In Joomla, the content is closely tied to the system of organization. Every article created must belong to a section and a category. A category is a sub classification of a section. In Drupal, it is possible to create articles with no categories and categorize them later. In both CMS, the menu which is displayed to the user is independent of the way the content is classified in the database. Both have revisions, meaning when editing an article, older versions can be archived instead of being replaced by newer versions. Joomla offers a slightly easier way to install new components, but makes it harder to manage them later. Joomla components come in tarballs which are automatically untarred and installed by the system upon upload. Each component creates a folder in which several files exist. In Drupal, a module is simply a single PHP file, not a set of files. The file has a .module extension and can be edited with any PHP supporting IDE. In Joomla, several files may have to be edited at times to make changes. Joomla’s search works right out of the box, Drupal needs cron to be configured to use search. An easier way is to use the poormanscron module or an external service like Webcron if your host does not support cron, which is highly unlikely anyway.

Joomla is marketed far better than Drupal. Since it displays a nicer looking installation, it is believed to be more user friendly. But Drupal does not even need an installation; its simply upload the database and run the program. If you are looking for an easy first time experience with no more than click and point, go with Joomla. But Drupal offers a much better long term investment especially if you need to make changes, upgrades and so on. Joomla also gives an option to install sample content so that the user can learn by editing an existing site rather than create a new site all by himself. Drupal does not install any content by default, but the development module, if separately downloaded and installed allows sample data to be quickly entered for development and testing.

Joomla is more bandwidth consuming than Drupal. Gzip compression must be used to achieve a reasonable performance. Both systems support caching and clean URLs. Drupal also supports much easier URL aliasing, which is necessary to make your pages more search engine and user friendly. URL aliasing can also help to manage broken links better by redirecting an existing alias name to a new piece of content.

Drupal has full support for AJAX as of version 4.7. This means that introducing more dynamic features like drag and drop into the web site will be quite easy.

Overall
I could carry on comparing Drupal versus tons of other CMS out there, but I think anyone reading this will get the general idea on what Drupal is good for. You can read the entire list of features, which can be extended anytime using modules. Drupal is also very scalable and very large sites supporting tens of thousands of users have been built on Drupal. Hence, Drupal is both a CMS as well as a CMF at the same time, which is quite unique.


M.E. Maps


445map1.jpg

I think one of the main issues driving the Israel/Palestine problem:

445map21.jpg


zengirl.jpg


Wisdom


A few eclectic thoughts that I’ve collected over time….

  • The purpose of life is a life of purpose.
  • Die to live don’t live to die.
  • Life is for living, love is for giving.
  • I don’t care for a lot, but what I care for I care for a lot.
  • Time is life. It is irreversible and irreplaceable. To waste your time is to waste your life, but to master your time is to master your life and make the most of it.
  • Sow a thought reap an action. Sow an action reap a habit. Sow a habit reap a character. Sow a character reap a destiny.
  • Quod Serveris Metes (As ye sow, so shall ye reap)
  • Scientia est Potentia (knowledge is power)
  • Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What, you, too? I thought I was the only one.”
  • A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
  • Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. – Gandhi
  • I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. – Frank Sinatra
  • Too fucking busy, and vice versa — Dorothy Parker
  • 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. – Stephen Wright
  • Design does not end in itself. It has to carry a message to inform the consumer. Brand design = compression of the emotional appeal. Good brand design accelerates communication.
  • Now is time for something new, there is nothing you can’t do.
  • The thing is bob, is that its not that I am lazy, its that I just don’t care. – Peter Gibbons
  • He who hesitates, masturbates. (heard recently on cableguy).
  • TEAM = Together everyone accomplishes more
  • FAMILY = Father And Mother, I Love You
  • Every morning in Africa a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must move faster than the lion or it will not survive. Every morning a lion wakes up and it knows it must move faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve. It doesn’t matter if you are the lion or the gazelle, when the sun comes up, you better be moving.
  • T.C.B. – Take care of business. – Elvis
  • The only thing I leave behind is my footprints.
  • Golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated.
  • Golden rule: 1.6180339 – All things in life related to math/physics.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single footstep.
  • Simplicity is the ultimate form of sophistication. -Leonardo diVinci
  • I saved this from a newspaper article I read a few years ago: There’s a deeper value in teams keeping certain players for life despite their inevitable diminution of their skills. There’s more to sports than the big money and not even winning is so precious. There’s something intangible that makes contests between great teams or gifted individuals not just beautiful to watch but profoundly meaningful, even though in the overall scheme of things they are demonstrably meaningless.
  • Never argue with idiots; they’ll bring you down to their level and then beat you on experience.
  • Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former” – Albert Einstein.
  • Simplicity of character is the natural result of profound thought. — from a fortune cookie
  • Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • The price of discipline is always less than the cost of regret.
  • The future will start tomorrow, not today.
  • When the power of love is greater than the love of power, then the world will know peace.
  • Namaste
  • He who cuts his own fireword is twice warm
  • If you are moving your lips, you  are not learning.
  • Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. (J.Lennon and probably others)
  • Under communism, Man exploits Man. Under capitalism the reverse occurs.
  • Found on a Craiglists post: I have drunk deeply from the stream of life to know that reality can bite, and I have enough imagination to believe that love has the final word. There is a subtlety that makes me feel sexy and not a tease, persuasive and not manipulative, sophisticated and not condescending, strong and forgiving, open minded with deep conviction, skeptical without cynisism, passionate without melodrama, noteworthy without name dropping, attentive and not obsessive, vocal without histrionics. I care about the larger world, make my voice heard and my vote count! I am generous with money and time and take neither for granted. I am conscientious enough to know that I have flaws coupled with the necessary sense of humor and grace that makes living in my own skin a bearable delight and creates the warmth inviting the company of others.I like who I am when I am with you, and being without you gives me time to know how much I want to be with you again. Life is not about being together in body but always in mind.I have learned that every relationship has inspired me to be who I am today. I have no regrets, only gratitude. My idea of an ideal relationship is two satellites that move in circles around each other. Sometimes they move in synch and create tremendous energy and excitement. Sometimes they move quietly in their own little orbits in sight of each other. Sometimes they collide but they do not bounce too far away before they return to their quiet little orbits.

boat_002.jpg


Recoveries


A few recovered historical artifacts that I always thought were interesting. Do a search on simple terms such as ” b29 lake mead”, you will come up with much more info on all these items.

recov1.jpg recov2.jpg recov3.jpg
[WW2 Tank]
Hauled out of a Estonian lake
[Follow-up]
[Restoring Sweetie]
Restoring a 1947 Chevy
[B-25 ]
Recovery from a S.C. Lake
recov4.jpg recov5.jpg
[B-29 Superfortress]
At the bottom of Lake Mead, NV
History1
History2
Awesome B29pics
[Liberty7]
Lost Mercury Capsule Recovery
Followup1
Followup2

Chopstick Duck


chopthumb.gif

[Diagram Here] and [Website]

Now you know what to do with that damn wrapper before it blows off the table.

Add:[Angkor Wat Oragami] and [Money Oragami]

Jerry Seinfeld on Chopsticks:

I think the thing I admire most about the Chinese is that they’re hanging in there with the chopsticks. Because, if you think about it, you know, they’ve seen the fork… by now. I’m sure they’ve seen the spoon, they’re going, “Yeah, yeah, they’re OK… We’re going to stay with the sticks.” I mean, I don’t know how they’ve missed it: thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up, has his breakfast with the chopsticks, goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel… Hello?… Shovel! Not going out there ploughing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.

BBC article: [Does using chopsticks make Chinese food taste better?]

There is some learned suggestion that Confucius, scholar and vegetarian of the 6th century BC, promoted the use of chopsticks over knives, as he believed knives would conjure up thoughts of the slaughterhouse for those using them.

[Free patents online] has many free patents available if you want to manufacture a chopstick/fork/spoon combo device.


Cargotecture


cargo.jpg

Living in Asia, you see containers everywhere. Many are used for construction sheds, betelnut stands, even filled with rocks for embankments. There are several resources online to make better, more modern use out of containers. One purpose may be for low cost housing after a disaster such as an earthquake, typhoon or tsunami.


Humor


445bufthe.jpg

***SCIENCE NEWSFLASH***
“Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive. No further testing is planned.”


(UPI) – Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from a woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called “beer”, is being used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is available almost anywhere. “Beer” is sometimes used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to “convince their male victims to go home and have sex with them,” according to a police spokesman.Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are helpless against this approach. After several “beers” men often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts with women to whom they would usually not be attracted. Men often waken after being given “beer” with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before, just a vague feeling something bad occurred and fear that their gentlemenly honor has been violated. Some unfortunate men report having been trapped in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” Apparent=y men are easy victims for this exploitation after “beer” is administered and they’ve been sexually approached previously.Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you should fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women plying it, there are male support groups in most town= where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open a=d frank manner with similarly-affected, like-minded fellows. For the nearest such support group near you, look up “Golf Courses” in the yellow pages.


The Corporate Mind

Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very interesting, educational, historical, completely true, and hysterical all at the same time:The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used. Why did “they” use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question.Now the twist to the story…………..There’s an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses’ behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse’s Ass!


How to Truly Impress A Client

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, “Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor.””Yes?””I’m sitting right over there,” pointing to my seat at the bar, “and I’m waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, ‘Hi, Ray,’””Sure.”I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. “Hi, Ray,” he said. I replied, “Fuck off, Gates, I’m in a meeting.”


Your next ICQ ad

Hello, I am Lars, I am the world’s most perfect boyfriend. I am 6’4″ with large rippling muscles, striking blue eyes, a tight, firm ass, and thick, locks of chestnut hair. I am seeking a woman I can love for all eternity. I am independently wealthy. I spend all my time saving crying, dirty-faced children from poverty, death, exploitation, etc. I also donate my time to stopping all forms of injustice against dolphins, the homeless, and minorities. I enjoy cooking gourmet meals, cleaning house, mowing the lawn, and fixing small appliances. I love to listen to you speak about your friends, work, mother, etc. I do not have any opinions except popular opinions. I like non-offensive movies about relationships. I like all forms of music. I never watch television, unless you are watching it. I never drink. I am comfortable with homosexuals, unless you hate them. I know every cool nightclub in town and I am friends with everybody. I can play all musical instruments. I like to sing sweet songs to my lover while I cradle her in my arms in front of a roaring fire on the beach in France. I know everything there is to know about everything – especially wine, food, and all outdoor activities. I eat only raw vegetables and drink pure mountain spring water. I emit a small, environmentally safe waste pellet once a week rather than urinating or defecating. I am certified in everything: Olympic skating, deep sea diving, air traffic control, etc. I want to not have sex until you want to have sex. I want to shop for hours and purchase large numbers of shoes. Please respond to my ad so I can love you now.


An alternate name for a dump

Massive, gassive far from passive, gnarled and twisted, double fisted, thunder and lightning, bystander frightening, blowtorching, enamel scorching, air raidin’, nut laden, olfactorily dubious, Mount Vesuvius, bowl grabbing, sphincter stabbing, straining, screaming, soft and steaming, dinner wretching, rectum stretching, temple bursting, knockwursting, gluteus slashing, bombay splashing, misbehaving, tidalwaving, bunghole bleeding, sportspage reading, suffocating, fumigating, straining, grunting, fourth down we’re punting, overcasting, stripmine blasting, pell mell, smells like hell, rear ejecting, biceps flexing, offshore dumping, methane pumping, hollering, squealing, wallpaper peeling, weekend spoiling, cauldron boiling, loosen your belting, shower curtain melting constitutional.


Language

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as “Euro English”. In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased with the “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, l wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”‘s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil bireseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!


Don’t work too hard

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the lost for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family. An unwise investment indeed. So what is the morale of the story???? Don’t work too hard…and you know what’s the full word of family? FAMILY = Father And Mother, I Love You


Work

WARNING : There is a new virus going around called ‘work’.If you receive any sort of ‘work’ at all, whether via E-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague …….DO NOT OPEN IT. Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open ‘work’ or even look at ‘work’ have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.If you encounter ‘work’ via E-mail or are faced with any ‘work’ at all then, to purge the virus, send an E-mail to your boss including the words “Sorry I am off to the pub.” The ‘work’ should automatically be deleted from your brain. If you receive ‘work’ in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the ‘work’ to your rubbish bin. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times and you will find that ‘work’ will no longer be of any relevance to you.Send this to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I am afraid the ‘work’ virus has already corrupted your life.


Only in America

  • Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  • Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  • Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
  • Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
  • Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.
  • Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  • Only in America do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well, “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”.
  • Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
  • Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Cliches

Dan: Is being a cliche expert a full-time job?
Fred: Bottom line is I have a full plate 24/7.
Dan: Is it hard to keep up with the seemingly endless supply of cliches that spew from business?
Fred: Some days, I don’t have the bandwidth. It’s like drinking from a fire hydrant.
Dan: So it’s difficult?
Fred: Harder than nailing Jell-O to the wall.
Dan: Where do most cliches come from?
Fred: Stakeholders push the envelope until it’s outside the box.
Dan: How do you track them once they’ve been coined?
Fred: It’s like herding cats.
Dan: Can you predict whether a phrase is going to become a cliche?
Fred: Yes. I skate to where the puck’s going to be. Because if you aren’t the lead dog, you’re not providing a customer-centric proactive solution.
Dan: Give us a new buzzword that we’ll be hearing ad nauseam.
Fred: “Enronitis” could be a next-generation player.
Dan: Do people understand your role as a cliche expert?
Fred: No, they can’t get their arms around that. But they aren’t incented to.
Dan: How do people know you’re a cliche expert?
Fred: I walk the walk and talk the talk.
Dan: Did incomprehensibility come naturally to you?
Fred: I wasn’t wired that way, but it became mission-critical as I strategically focused on my go-forward plan.
Dan: What did you do to develop this talent?
Fred: It’s not rocket science. It’s not brain surgery. When you drill down to the granular level, it’s just basic blocking and tackling.
Dan: How do you know if you’re successful in your work?
Fred: At the end of the day, it’s all about robust, world-class language solutions.
Dan: How do you stay ahead of others in the buzzword industry?
Fred: Net-net, my value proposition is based on maximizing synergies and being first to market with a leveraged, value-added deliverable. That’s the opportunity space on a level playing field.
Dan: Does everyone in business eventually devolve into the sort of mindless drivel you spout?
Fred: If you walk like a duck and talk like a duck, you’re a duck. They all drink the Kool-Aid.
Dan: Do you read “Dilbert” in the newspaper?
Fred: My knowledge base is deselective of fiber media.
Dan: Does that mean “no”?
Fred: Negative.
Dan: DOES THAT MEAN “NO”?
Fred: Let’s take your issues offline.
Dan: NO, WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE MY “ISSUES” OFFLINE.
Fred: You have a result-driven mind-set that isn’t a strategic fit with my game plan.
Dan: I WANT TO PUSH YOUR FACE IN.
Fred: Your call is very important to me.
Dan: How can you live with yourself?
Fred: I eat my own dog food. My vision is to monetize scalable supply chains.
Dan: When are you going to quit this?
Fred: I may eventually exit the business to pursue other career opportunities.

Dan: I hate you.

Fred: Take it and run with it.


NEPALESE GOOD LUCK MANTRA

THE FOLLOWING IS TAKEN FROM A NEPALESE GOOD LUCK MANTRA. YOU’LL FIND IT TO BE WORTH READING AND WORTH SHARING:

  1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
  2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
  3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.
  4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
  5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
  6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
  7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  8. Spend some time alone every day.
  9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
  10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
  12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
  13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
  14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
  15. Be gentle with the earth.
  16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
  17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
  18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
  19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Modern Day Office Lingo

  • Blamestorming – sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
  • Cube Farm – an office filled with cubicles.
  • CLM (Career-Limiting Move) – Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he is within earshot is a serious CLM.
  • Crapplet – A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin’ crapplet!”
  • D.W.Y. – Driving While Yacking
  • Idea Hamsters – people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
  • Irritainment – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
  • Mouse Potato – the on-line generation’s answer to the couch potato.
  • Prarrie Dogging – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
  • Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
  • Sitcom – stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
  • Yuppie Food Stamps – The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: “We all owe $8 each, but all anybody’s got is yuppie food stamps.

You know you have been in Asia too long when:

  1. The footprints on the toilet seat are your own.
  2. You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.
  3. You stop at the bottom of an escalator to plan your day.
  4. It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off.
  5. It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting.
  6. You rank the decision-making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply “Up To You”.
  7. You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400.00per month can drive a Mercedes.
  8. You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue.
  9. You accept without question the mechanic’s analysis that the car is “Broken” and that it will cost you a lot of money to get it “Fixed”.
  10. You find that it saves time to stand and retrieve your hand luggage while the plane is on final approach.
  11. You can shake your hands almost perfectly dry before wiping them on your trousers, or you have your suits made with terry cloth pockets.
  12. A T-Bone steak with rice sounds just fine.
  13. You believe everything you read in the local newspaper.
  14. You regard traffic signals, stop signs and copy watch peddlers with equal disdain.
  15. You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags.
  16. When listening to the pilot prove he cannot speak English, you no longer wonder if he can understand the air traffic controller.
  17. You regard it as part of the adventure, when the waiter exactly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.
  18. You have more knick-knacks than your grandmother.
  19. You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.
  20. You understand all the above listed references.

The Firing squad

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, “Earthquake!” The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Before the order was given Al yelled out, “Tornado!” Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking “I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.” He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, “Fire!”


MOTTOS TO LIVE BY

  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above you principles.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.
  • Don’t sweat petty things… or pet sweaty things.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Everybody repeat after me… We are all individuals.
  • Death to all fanatics
  • Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
  • Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
  • Half the people you know are below average.

abby.jpg

Dear Abby,I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Bob


The true meaning of words on performance reviews:

  1. Outgoing Personality – Always going out of the office.
  2. Great Presenation Skills – Able to bullshit.
  3. Work is First Priority – Too ugly to date.
  4. Active Socially – Drinks a lot.
  5. Independent Worker – Nobody knows what he/she does.
  6. Quick Thinker – Offers plausible excuses.
  7. Careful Thinker – Won’t make a decision.
  8. Uses logic on difficult jobs – Gets someone else to do it.
  9. Expresses themselves well – Speaks English.
  10. Meticulous Attention to Detail – a nit picker.
  11. Has Leadership Qualities – is tall or has a loud voice.
  12. Exceptionally Good Judgment – Lucky
  13. Keen Sense of Humor – Knows a lot of dirty Jokes
  14. Career Minded – Backstabber
  15. Loyal – Can’t get a job anywhere else.
  16. Plans for Promotional Advancement – Buys drinks for all the boys.
  17. Of Great Value to the Organization – Gets to work on time.
  18. Relaxed Attitude – Sleeps at desk.
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